The last seventeen years of my life have been about two things: being a wife and being a mother. I now find myself without a tan line on my left ring finger and an all too quiet house every other week. For a girl that is accustomed to lots of activity and commotion in her world, I find myself rather unnerved at the change in my schedule and, more so, in my identity.
Everyone wishes they had a little more time to themselves, some peace and quiet, a chance to do what they want to do. But the phrase "Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it" really is true. Here I sit on a quiet summer day, windows open, listening to the birds, working on my computer in a clean and peaceful house. And I am feeling lost.
Being "Mom" is the most rewarding, precious, challenging, and blessed part of my life. When I am separated from my children I feel like a fish out of water, flopping around and gasping for the refreshing water that gives me life and purpose. Now don't get me wrong, there have been times when I have not fully embraced the "joys" of motherhood and I know there will be times in the future when I will not quite revel in the "bliss" of mothering three energetic and independent children. BUT, over-all, on average, and in this moment when I am by myself, I can appreciate and delight in the moments when I am able to completely focus on my children.
I'm guessing I am not the only mother that feels this way. Some have been separated from their children by divorce and some for other reasons. Some separations happen by choice and some are forced upon us. Some separations are positive and healthy while others are painful and not welcome. Heck, what I'm talking about it not exclusive to just mothers either. Each one of us has experienced separation from someone we love. We have felt the loss of someone we dearly loved and have had to wrestle with the emotions of picking up the pieces and moving on without them. Maybe we only need to get through a few days without them, maybe a week, a month, a year or a lifetime. But we all know what it is like to find ourselves facing a reflection that is familiar yet somehow different.
How do we move forward and recreate ourselves? How do we spend energy on redefining who we are without completely loosing who we were? How do we begin to grapple with the notion that we are still the same person, just different? How do we surrender all the control we think we have in the situation and give it over to the One that can truly give us life and purpose?
Who Am I video:
The beautiful thing is that even when I am not sure Who I Am, God does. He has a plan for my life and I know that because in Jeremiah 29:11 He tells me so... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
So..... really, I can relax and stop trying to figure it all out. Instead I need to let go and allow God to lead and guide my life, my schedule and my identity. I need to spend time, daily, more like hourly, with the One that can comfort and soothe my soul. I need to remember that life is a process and I will be reinvented many times over. I need to not become so attached to one station that I am unwilling to grow and develop in a new area. I need to remember that I am not on this journey alone and I need to be honest and open with myself and with the angels God has placed on the path with me.
My prayer for today is that I will be comfortable with Who I Am. I pray that I will embrace who I have been and who I will become. I pray that I will forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness, through Christ Jesus. I pray that I will be open to God's work in my life. I pray that I will be the Mom AND the Woman I am called to be. I pray that I will experience a oneness with my Creator that enables me to know I am of value, have a purpose and belong because I Am His. I pray that you will believe and experience all this too!
Until We Meet Again,
Drea
From a Husband/Father perspective, I know all too well everything you are saying. And it begs the question "who AM I?" or, "what should be the best way for me to define who I am?"
ReplyDeleteHmmm...maybe if I recognize myself, first and foremost, as a child of God and an extension of His hands" then I will be less unnerved or shaken when crises in life happen--and they will always continue to happen, unfortunately.
I like your prayers in the last paragraph...I will join you in those indeed! : )
Jay~
Jay, you are so right when you say that we need to define ourselves through the reality of being an extension of God, as His beloved child.
ReplyDeleteThat seems both easy and challenging at the same time. Easy in that all we need to do is accept it, claim it, and do it. Challenging in remember to actually do all those things. We can all get caught up in the crisis of life and let them derail our best intentions.
THANKFULLY God holds on to us, even when we forget to hold on to Him. THANKFULLY He fully knows who we are, and who we are capable of being. When we surrender our own insecurities we can release ourselves over to a plan that we can not even imagine!
Oh! How I love serving a Mighty and Powerful and Loving God!!! Good Stuff!!!!! :)